Addict

Hello. I’m an addict.

No Please don’t take that step back that you are about to. It’s not contagious, I’m sure you know that. Then what do you fear?
My anticipated cry for help? Or the reproachful glances of the society when they find out who you’ve been talking to?

I can see you standing with that trembling posture.
You don’t know how grateful I am that you didn’t step back, yet I can see by the back-and-forth movement of your toes that you’re unwilling to take a step ahead.
It’s okay.
I’m used to it.

I can feel that pity in your handshake but it makes me happy.
I can see that look of curiosity in your eyes.
I want to answer it and I know you want me to unravel the mystery for you, too.
But I don’t think it’s a good idea. Most of you don’t understand.
You consider it to be a disgrace, of sorts.
But you want to know anyway.

Okay, I’ll tell you.

No, I have a perfectly stable family life. I am not the rich brat who sleeps in manifestations of wealth and dreams of absentee parents.

No, it’s not peer pressure. You see, I don’t exactly have many friends left, do I?

No, it’s not the television or the uncensored media you blame. I know I am stronger than that, even if you don’t believe me as I say it.

No it’s not because I’m depressed. Although, I do fear slipping into that dungeon someday in my life. But when I do, I know I won’t need any of this because that darkness will itself be more commanding.

No, I am not heartbroken and living every moment in the self-deprecating shadows of a boy who forgot to pay attention to me.

No, I don’t hide in my bathroom and shed midnight tears as I watch the numbing red streams of fluid trickle down by thighs.

No, I was not a teen who tripped over the wrong rock and has been unable to get back ever since.

No, I do not how all of you come up with such guesses but I do know that you are wrong.

I am where I am because I want to be here. Or rather, there’s some place else I’d rather not be. Somewhere in my darkness I feel scared. And I would do anything to stay away.

I do this on order to avoid myself.
Which is ironic because in the process of this, it’s the people around me, like you, who start avoiding me; while I am just left there to face myself and a love I know I’ll never receive.

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