My mother once told me that one seldom has control over the kind of people one befriends. I knew what she was saying and I agreed but I didn’t quite understand. It seemed to make sense, theoretically but it also seemed perfectly normal for me to choose who to be friends with and who not to be friends with, at the same time.
Eventually, I figured it out. When you move to a new place you’re attracted to certain people on day one but later you realise that the pieces just didn’t fit. Similarly, the people you probably ignored in the beginning may end up becoming your future. It’s all so unpredictable yet at the end of it when you look back it feels so preordained. Like you should have expected it to be so all along but you didn’t.
After my share of ups and downs I found people I could tolerate. Yes I said ‘tolerate’ because, admit it or not, we are all tolerating people at some level. It would be naive to think otherwise. Or I could just be drenched in cynicism.
But today I realised something really silly yet important about myself. (caution: this may be developing into a rant)
Everyone is and does hurt at some point in life. We’ve all had people walk all over us and for some people we’ve been the ones walking over. Naturally, we’ve developed scars from these tiny incidents resulting in baggages we still carry around today. But these open wounds and perfectly disguised scars are more than just a reminder of the past and a cautionary tale for the future.
They have become the skeletons we keep hidden in our closet.
They might appear to be well hidden but actually the damage is in the secrecy because somehow, somewhere along the way they became words we could not speak, feelings we could not express, fears we could not face and grudges we could not let go.
(At this point I am very tempted to start moralising but I am not going to.)
Maybe one day you’ll meet a friend who might, unknowingly, help you speak those words, express those feelings, face those fears or let go those grudges. But that’s not the way to go. Waiting is too damn long and too damn hard.
So I have (I think) decided to start facing my skeletons in my own way. I hope I can and if there’s absolutely anyone reading this, I hope you can too!