I can often feel oceans within me. Their tides driving me from one edge to another; at times leaving me stranded in the middle of a taciturn endlessness. It doesn’t hurt to have something so huge within because my external surroundings aren’t big enough. They can barely encompass the peripheral serendipity I expose.
I expose little. Not for fear of being judged or ridiculed. That is the least hurtful of all. But because of the fear of being stolen. Destruction is a harsh but bearable reality. What is destroyed is gone forever; no one anywhere on his planet can have it, including you. Theft, on the other hand, is much more painful. Because once something has been stolen from you, everyone but you can have it.
What was is it like to have it all? Did everything stop occurring beyond it or did the occurrences turn upside down, making merry out of your murders? Did the ‘all’ ever actually last or did it whiz by as fast as everything up till now had disappeared? Moreover, could you describe what it felt like to have it all? Or did it consume you the way you thought it would?
Consumption had become prevalent in all forms. There were herds of men and women consuming alcohol and drugs and cigarettes and other herds of men and women condemning the same. There were some who were fighting tooth and nail to consume life and remind it, every day, about who was winning while others let life consume them, giving in for they knew there was no victory at the end. We were going to lose, some way or the other.
I’d say loss was traumatic, but it’s not. It’s the easiest thing to put on a new face, new boots and a new hairdo in the aftermath of the tragedy. What’s hard is facing the Not New part of you that’s survived the past four hundred and sixty two lives.
Lives. Live all around me. Lives living. Lives dying. Lives being written about. Lives being spoken about. Lives in the background of a ripped polaroid. Lives in the creeks of people’s lives. Lives sniffing sadness and moving on. Lives holding on to madness for as long as it goes on.