in between here and there

I’m, right now, four days away from moving to another city for college. Technically, at least. I’m going back to the city I used to live in till two years ago. In some ways, I am going ‘back’ to the place I came from but then again, everything’s going to be different now since I’ll be living in a different area, spending time with different people and doing a lot more new things.

Being a person with constant anxiety issues (not so bad but bad enough), I am, surprisingly, really good at dealing with situations. At least situations that require composed reactions. I haven’t yet shed a tear (expected) or shown any signs of missing this place (which might not be an entirely good thing when it comes to friends).
But the overwhelming anxiety and excitement is starting to creep in, finally and I’m beginning to lose my ground bit by bit.

I’m looking forward to the three-year long experience but I’m a little fearful as well. Excited because this is what I have dreamed of for the past two years. I got into the numero uno college for mass media and communication. What else do I want?

But then again, it’s scary because I’m a leaver. The one thing I’m good at is leaving things; even if I don’t ease myself mentally, I can definitely do it superficially till it starts feeling real enough to accept and move on. and the thought of going back and having to rekindle relationships (that I was a little glad to forego) that I had forgotten about over the past two years makes me a little nervous.
It also makes me feel a little guilty because I used to love the place. I grew up there, but I can’t seem to get myself to go back. Why?

Obviously, this is a fear my subconscious mind has developed for the survival agenda. A part of me believes that this is all for the best (or at least tries to): going back will force me to face my fear of the place and that’s something I need more than I need an education. It will help me let go off all the personal disappointments and negativity I seem to be carrying around.
Naturally, it’s pulling me down and there’s only one way to get back up. And that is to embrace the familiarity of the change I am soon going to be experiencing.

Good luck to me, I guess?

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