//thorns of glory//

I’m sitting with a group of human beings, we’re all so head strong and full of opinions but tonight we radiate a kind of affection that I’ve always only read about
when you don’t have to be attached to someone to enjoy their company,
when you need not fall in love with the most jock-like boy to have a reputation,
where you need not wear your finest outfit to remind others of your worth.
Or even yourself at times.
I feel a warm, fuzzy pride take over me as I look back to three years ago.
I spent all year sitting on top of the social ladder without really doing much.
I thrived on my perceived importance and strived every minute to make that real, until I fell into the cold ocean of disdain because I was unable to transform myself into that delicacy everybody thought I was
So I stopped trying to transfigure myself. Instead, I became friends with people that made my virtual world glow
Seedless flowers blossomed everyday as I fought my instinct to pluck and step all over them because that’s the thing about thorns of glory – they don’t prick enough
They prick – but it’s merely a sting that lasts for a few prolonged seconds of thought until another train arrives on the platform of dismay
You start floating once again
Is this okay? I ask myself
Can I do it for one more day? I ask myself
Could I live a life like this? I ask myself
Would I like to leave? I ask myself
My insides nod but the blood drains from my face and my hands can no longer feel the surface
Is it too late? I ask myself
My insides nod but this time the fact remains:
I cannot exit this train, not unless I pull the chains and alarm everyone on board or jump off in the middle like the girl with fringes on her forehead.
She took the risk, she jumped, she left when she could due to no intention of hers
Suddenly, I want to be her
I no longer relate to this person I’ve become
It is not a moment of intense self-loathing, it’s a terrific epiphany that strikes at a ridiculous hour of the day
I’ve been told that my commitment levels are intense.
Naturally I stuck it out
Hopefully, I am never going back again.

 

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