I’ve been putting this off for an entire week now but here it is: a little rant/list of things I figured I need to put up here and embrace 2017 for everything it’s going to bring with it.
The exact spot I’m sitting in while writing this feels a little uncomfortable because a couple of months ago I was bawling my eyes out right here for something that seems quite silly in retrospect (which is always the case). So I know it’s going to be at the back of my mind the entire time until I’m forced to address it in some way.
2016 has been a beautiful year. I don’t have exact moments that I can lay out as proof but I’ve realised that it’s the personal tragedies that ruin the repuation of a four-digit number, which is what happened with me in 2015. But in 2016 my personality decided to revamp itself to the extent that some of my closest friends who’ve known me for close to a decade or even more tell me that they love this new Pankhuri but have never met her before.
For most part of 2016, I was stumbling and trying to figure out which way to go. I found myself in unfaithful waters – fearful but mentally prepared to take on whatever comes my way. I had to shed older layers, expose new ones and get comfortable in them. It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t that difficult either. Figting off a fraction of that stage-fright, learning to pull through all kinds of pressures germinating in my head, accepting parts of my personality that I’ve been embarrassed of for years. etc etc.
Like I said, it has been a pleasant year. But not perfect.
Like every year, I have lost some important bits of me too, even though I can’t actually lay a finger on what they were. There’s been a constant nagging feeling telling me something’s wrong and I need to fix it but I don’t know what that is so I’ve attempted to compile a list of ongoing thoughts in my mind. Just some things I wish I’d done in 2016 and hope to do in 2017 or things that have only recently occurred to me but I haven’t actually penned them down because of whatever reason.
So here goes.
- Like most people, I’ve forgotten to be kind to myself in midst of all the pressure I make myself undergo. Thankfully, I come from a family full of some really enthusiastic individuals who can’t help but empower you with their constant support, openness and endless appreciaiton. But I’ve realised that I cannot depend on that forever, right? I’ve got to be my own support system, without pushing anybody else aside.
- I’ve got to start writing in my diary again. I used to be so much more sorted and at peace with my thoughts till 12th grade. But now I barely write about what’s actually in my head, which leads to a lot more frustration and that feeling of missing out on myself. If you know what I mean. And to add to that, it has to be on paper. No more writing on screens and forgetting it because it’s saved in that pile of drafts (Gmail, WordPress, Twitter) that I don’t have the time for.
- Too much time has been spent in front of screens in 2016 and I realise how it’s not going to get better unless I become conscious of it. The change doesn’t have to be very drastic, baby steps should do. Let’s see how this goes.
- A doctor’s scare from a couple of weeks ago has motivated me to adapt to a healthier lifestyle because if I don’t, I’ll soon be 40 and complaining about all kinds of body aches, paying regular visits to the doctor and in general pitying myself.
- I feel like I need to make peace with the fact that I have a really bad memory. I don’t remember anything I read, watch, or study after a few days. In fact, I don’t even remember any gossip or what I say to people. This has always been a source of low spirits but I don’t know why because it doesn’t affect my life as much. I has given it way too much significance for way too long and it’s time to change that.
- Try and be more accommodating of my own thoughts and achievements. All that unhealthy comparison that we do with ouselves or others do for us is toxic. This is something I say to myself EVER YEAR in hope that one day I won’t have to anymore.
This list isn’t complete but it’s all I feel comfortable revealing on social media so I’m just going to leave it here.
Happy New Year to everyone!
Hope you have a good start to the year and not spend too much time stressing over your resolutions 😀